expecting to bleed

[sarafina mable]

I have so many words for you
And right now I hate them all
Every last syllable cracks off my tongue
Not wanting to leave
Not wanted them to reach your ears
I have so many thoughts for you
And right now I can?t bring one up
I have them stored so far away
And you caught me off guard
I have so many emotions
I have bottled so much feeling
Waiting for you
Expecting to bleed eventually
B/c I know you?ll open up the wounds
Barely healed

As it is
My body trembles inside
Just to see you
Just to hear you
Just to be acknowledged
My mind is wrecked
With racing thoughts
I know they?re there

I have so many things for you
I don?t want anymore
I want to pass on the baggage that you left me with
So abruptly

I have so many words for you
Right now in my inundated state
Burning a hole in my tongue
Fighting to be released
But they sound like gibberish in this place
You always make it seem that way

[SHATOUSHKA]

i agree with hanny to an extent.
i loved the feeling of this poem.
its like we've all been in that
check mated position before.

however, my notations are this:
i noticed how there was almost a flow
between the first two lines in each stanza
with the exception of the second.
i think this would be a good way to establish
continuality and linkage to your work...
had you continued the repitition.

i'm not sure why the third stanza is even
relevant...
to me (at least), it seems obvious that
you 'don't want anymore' of the feelings
this person gave/is giving to you. its almost
like something was said or done unexpectedly
that brought this demise.
its like i see you (me??) standing there,
on permanent hold... scanning my brain for
the elloquent retaliation, waiting to bust
it out... lashings.
i think that the piece already suggests 'baggage'
in that it subliminally illustrates you having
felt you knew this person, and they do something
off center to create such a reaction.
its really moving.

this may be gay, so please forgive my
presumptuous behavior...
but based on what you have given, this
is how i like it:


I have so many words for you
Right now, as it is,
My body trembles inside
Just to see you
Just to hear you
Just to be acknowledged
My mind is wrecked
With racing thoughts
I know they?re there

I have so many words for you
Right now, I hate them all.
Every last syllable cracks off my tongue
Not wanting to leave
Not wanted them to reach your ears
I have so many thoughts for you
And right now I can?t bring one up
I have them stored so far away
And you caught me off guard
I have so many emotions
I have bottled so much feeling
Waiting for you
Expecting to bleed eventually
B/c I know you?ll open up the wounds
Barely healed

I have so many words for you
Right now in my inundated state
Burning a hole in my tongue
Fighting to be released
But they sound like gibberish in this place
You always make it seem that way

what i did was move the second stanza
to the upper level, which i thought established
an atmospheric beginning... a preface.
i added the missing 'continuation' of the
repetitive lines, and cropped the third stanza.

whip me now =)

[Hannibal]

I'll whip you if you'd like....
but I dont wanna take away sarafin's fun! [img]smile.gif[/img]

[Hannibal]

You always seem to make it that way...


God damn... maybe it's my mood, but those were the most profound, and wonderfull words of this whole peice!
I loved that last line.

For me the poem kinda built up
1 part got the interest up..
the smaller parts in the middle, didn't really sit well with me.
I'm not really sure why, but they seemed essential in a way.
But I really LOVED that last line.
genius as it is... it's just... Damn..
i love it.

[sarafina mable]

thankyou so much for your responses!
i agree with you shatzy about the needless repetition of the 3rd stanza,
i think i just wrote this so fast i didn't really even read over it before i posted it, oops [img]smile.gif[/img]

ps; no whipping necessary (this time) i appreciate you taking so much time just to help me out and let me see it the way you do.